First blog entry

So, this is my first time doing anything like this. I write, but usually not where anyone who wants to can read it.

Anyways, I guess the purpose of this blog, or what I want the purpose to be is pretty simple.

My name is Amanda, I'm 20 years old, and I've had a mental illness for as long as I can remember. Now, I know that by putting that out there, I'm opening myself up to anyone and everyone's critisizim. But I am so tired of people who don't understand and who've never suffered this way talking about people with a mental illness like we're all either crazy, or making it up.

So that's the purpose. I've torn my life apart and put it back together, back and forth, over and over again since I was 12 years old. I spent years thinking it was just me, that I was the only one who had such a hard time with life, that everyone else was just stronger then me. But that wasn't true. It's NOT true. For the last three years my life has pretty much been at a standstill. Now, I'm trying to put it back together once again. Only this time is different. I have been to the lowest of the low, rock bottom, and I am determined not to go back there again. I'm tired of making excuses and lying to my friends about stupid things, like why I can't hang out because really, I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Or I was having so many anxiety attacks the night before, sleep was the last thing on my mind. I've realized that the reasons I make excuses and lie about how I'm really doing is more for everyone else then it is for me. I don't want to cause any discomfort. I don't want to force anyone to think about something as taboo as mental illness, especially in the friend they think they know so well. The other reason, well, the other reason is because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid they'll think I'm crazy, or lazy, or making it up. I'm afraid they won't want to have anything to do with me. I'm so afraid of people I love and care about leaving, that I leave them before I can be left. I push them away before they can hurt me. And I don't know how to stop. But I want to, and I'm going to. Because I've wasted enough of my life.

So. If you are a teenager or a young adult and you're dealing with mental illness, you're not the only one. You're not alone. And the point of all this, is for people to just try to understand that they don't even know what a mental illness is, and that making up depression or anxiety is like making up cancer.

I know people will judge me for this. "Ooooh so THATS the reason she missed most of high school, dropping in and out of life like a, oh, yeah, like a crazy person." I know. And I'm willing to accept that.

I'm standing up and saying that yes, I may have a mental illness-or 2, but I'm NOT crazy. And you know what? If you think I am, then that just goes to show how ignorant some people can be. So I'm going to try to spread understanding and acceptance, while at the same time trying to build my life back up, this time stable enough to stay standing for much longer then it ever has before.

I know I'm not the only one. I hope this can find others like me, so we can all be a little less alone.