Questionable Content??

So I was talking to my mom today, (do I start all of my entries with 'so'?) and she thinks that I should be really careful with what I write on here. She said that these days, anyone can get their hands on something that you put on the internet. As in future employers. And I've been thinking about it, and if by saying that I have a mental illness I inadvertantly take myself out of the running for certain jobs, then I really don't want to work for someone that ignorant anyways. It's not like I'm admitting to murder here! This is insane! I'm not ashamed to say that I have migraines, or allergies, or horribly sensitive skin! Why doesn't anyone see that it's basically the same thing?? I didn't choose this, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not being punished for some offense. And those who think they know me because they know about mental illness's are WRONG. If you happen to suffer from said ignorance, I don't want anything to do with you. Thanks for visiting.

On to the next. I'm actually starting to turn my sleeping around. It's very...different. I swear it seems like I've spent half of my life going to bed around 6 or 7 in the morning and getting up..whenever I woke up. Anytime between 4-10. I guess you could say I'm a night person. All night. Hahahahaha yeah...it's really not funny though. It's sad. I've missed a lot of life doing all of that sleeping while everyone else was up. I wouldn't-and still have this problem, look at my phone for days, weeks, because I was so afraid of the messages and texts and missed calls that I would have. People I had let down. People I knew I would continue to let down. It hurt, physically. I've done so much to tear myself down. And while it's happening, while I'm doing it, there are little seconds here and there where I can say to myself 'Amanda, this isn't good. You know what you're doing and you need to STOP'. But I always quickly tell myself it isn't that bad and then put it out of my mind and get on with my self destruction.
Then comes the time when you're sitting on your bed with your head in your hands, emptied of tears, not understanding how things have come to this. And you look back, and you see what you've done. And that just makes it hurt more because, for me, I had this amazing life. I had great friends who stuck by me no matter what, for as long as they could. A couple never left, period. Most started to move on and at the time it made me angry. It still makes me angry, sometimes. But now I can also see that there's only so many times that you can burn someone before they finally get the message and have to take care of themselves. No one wants to go down with the ship, no matter how much that ship means to them. But how can I get away from myself?
Sometimes it feels like I'm outside of myself. I can see or hear myself doing things but I'm in a fog, in a haze, and I don't care enough to snap myself out of it. I'm so tired, all of the time, even now. The most frusterating thing in the world is knowing that I'm doing everything people are telling me to do to try to get better, and not seeing or feeling any difference. I've come to the end of my rope over and over and over again. But I heard someone say, once, when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. I guess that's pretty much what I've done. I guess that's pretty much what I'm doing right now.